Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon 2003: That Fucking Sun

Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon 2003 is a horrific game. Not only is a hack of the kind of bad King of Fighters 2001, but it is completely insane. It just raises to many questions. Why retitle a King of Fighters game as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Who is PhenixSoft Corporation? Why isn't there anything on What is PoF? Phenix of Fighters? Why is O. Zero on fire? Is the last boss really the fucking sun? None of these questions and more will be answered in this post.

I don't recall where I first heard about this weird hack, but it's probably a safe bet that it was on the forums. The game is just so weird that it begs to be played. It isn't just one of those lazy hacks that give you a million super bars and lets you play as bosses, PhenixSoft went crazy with this thing. Every character's default color palette has been changed to something garish, as you'll see in these screenshots. Really Robert? The disco suit is bad enough, but now you have bright yellow slacks. Seriously ugly.

They didn't stop there, though. Almost every special move in the game has some sort of random effect applied to it. What's worse than Clark landing a Running Three on you? Clark's hands setting you on fire while doing so. There are tons of these sort of things, so if you plan on playing the game, be prepared to see red fire, purple fire, electric, and poison effects applied to nearly every special attack that lands. Then there are a the moves that have been changed to have super move-like changes to them, like Iori's fireball being a huge pillar of fire.

All of this pales in comparison to the insanity that is the final bosses. First off, they are SNK bosses, so they will fuck you up. Second, O. Zero is on fire. I don't know why a man made of fire would have a big black lion for a pet, but O. Zero had one, so I guess you just have to deal with it. Third, Igniz is now the sun. Wait. . . what? Yeah, the last boss is a class II G2V yellow star. The sun turns out to be a pretty tough boss, not only because of its one-move infinite or any of Igniz's usual shenanigans, but because it is only barely animated and it basically just wiggles around and you die.

This has to be the third or fourth time I've beat this game just to show people that the final boss is, in fact, the sun. Thankfully, I now have screenshots and can just point people to this article. If you are just curious to see the sun in action, I suggest playing Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon 2003 Super Plus, because in that version you can play as the sun yourself, and you don't need to bother playing all the way through this monstrosity.

Fighting the sun makes no sense in context of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, The King of Fighters, or anything that has ever existed in the history of media of any format. Since the hackers that made this game cut all of story bits out, I can only imagine that after defeating the sun, the world goes dark and all of humanity and all living things on Earth die. Good job K9999, or should I say Tetsuo, I know that is exactly what you wanted. Prick.

Is this the end of lovable the sun?

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