I bought Beethoven's 2nd specifically for a Poverty Game Night party because how could a game based on a sequel to a horrible movie not be atrocious? So, I played it at the party and found out that it was, in fact, a piece of shit. The SNES cart was worth more to me in plastic and silicon. When I sat down to write this article, I thought, “Fuck, I don't want to actually play this shit again.” Instead of going on my instincts and just running away, I did the opposite of what logic dictated, and told myself that I would instead beat the game, with the help of some game genie codes of course.
|Ah, that's better.|
As part of my extensive pre-game research, I always check wikipedia to see who made the game I'm playing and see if I can glean any extra insight into the game. To my surprise, this the first game I've written about that does not have a wikipedia page of it's own. In order to find out who made the game I actually had to pay attention when I turned it on, and the name I saw (after the publisher) was Riedel Software Productions Inc. While this company also did not have a wikipedia page, I did find out that the current name of this developer is Running With Scissors. That's right, the people who have went out of their way to make the most offensive as possible games with the Postal series used to make shitty licensed games for consoles. The more you know.
|If only they actually let you use your puppy as a shield.|
So, I load up the emulator, I turn on the codes, and I start running through the game getting hit by everything like the big stupid dog that I am. At first this goes well. Each of the four worlds are separated into two parts: one where you find your puppy, and one where you return the puppy to its mother. In the game you have four buttons, bark (attack), jump, pickup (for your puppy and also eating health restoration), and shake (I have no idea). The experience of playing the game (without cheats) is tedious. You walk forward a bit, kill a thing, go forward a bit more, maybe jump over something. It is all very slow, and it only gets worse when you have to drag your puppy along, because you constantly need to set it down and pick it up so you can bark at stuff. As far as dog simulators go, this is pretty low tier.
I got through the first two worlds no problem thanks to my “cheat and keep jumping right” technique. The third world was a problem because it had bottomless pits that kill instantly. While I did have infinite lives, dying would put me back at the start of the level, and that was annoying. After falling in pits a few times, the emulator crashed, so that seemed like a logical place to stop playing. Maybe one day I'll be able to beat this game, but with any luck I never will. To console myself, I watched this trailer for the film, during which it seems like Beethoven kills a house full of people somewhere near the end. Also, it is hard not to laugh at the coke-girlfriend from Goodfellas playing the villain.
Ugh, I need a hard drink.