Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Things Donkey Kong Will Leave Off His Résumé

I wasn't sure what to write about today, but then a friend, whom I assume hates me, sent me this. Now, a logical person would think that, after seeing this video, I would be inspired to play Donkey Kong 64. In this case, logical people would be wrong, because when I saw this I didn't think about how terrible the game is, I thought about the only Donkey Kong related thing that is more terrible than Donkey Kong 64. Those of you unfortunate enough to have experienced it already know what I'm referring to, The Donkey Kong Country CG cartoon from the late nineties. The idea of a DKC series doesn't seem all that bad, it's a series with some quirky characters on a colorful backdrop, but anyone who has seen the series knows that it was not well executed.

I don't know what television executive thought that children wanted to see their favorite video game characters break into song, but in the late nineties that is what happened. I don't know if this happened with any other series, but I do know that it happened in Donkey Kong Country, and with Sonic Underground it reached some terrible zenith that destroyed video game based cartoons as we knew them. So, without further ado, here are some youtube's best songs from the DKC cartoon.

This song is strange because it seems like it is half musical theater, half power metal. I'm not sure if I'm capable of summoning the words to voice my impressions of these songs, but dammit I'm going to try. It's funny that you can pretty much deduce the plot of the episode based on such a short bit. I suppose in this episode DK wants to earn an acting part, but it's an evil role, and he has to learn to act evil, so of course he turns to the only woman in the whole Donkey Kong country to find out how.

I can only guess that this is from the same episode and Cranky Kong hears about the Hollywood style goings on, and of course decides to sing about his new found goal in life. There are two things that always creep me out when seeing clips from this show. One is the creepy animations that are just, off in some way. The other is DK's voice. It is just too smooth and not nearly deep enough. Sure, you never hear him speak in the games, but it just doesn't mesh with those impressive ape howls he made.

Speaking of creepy animations, this song starts out with Diddy appearing to mime bending a woman over for some Diddy-style lovemaking. While I don't buy DK's voice because it is uncharacteristic of him, Diddy's is pretty accurate to what I would imagine, but it is just godawful and annoying. I don't know how the episode ended up explaining DK's mind being in a robot body, but I have a feeling the explanation is stupid, and is probably part of a larger standard body swap episode plot.

If rapping about Donkey Kong weren't painful enough, here is DK in a rap battle with King K. Rool. Having seen just this part of this episode is funny because it seems like Diddy is suicidal, urging DK not to cooperate, and then he seems to get his wish as DK causes an avalanche which causes K. Rool to drop Diddy down a chasm. I'll never actually watch the episode, so in my imagination this is how the series ends. DK accidentally destroys the crystal coconut which is the entire island's most prized possession, and causes the death of his best friend. From then on there was no singing.

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