Monday, September 12, 2011

Ancient Aliens: Mushroom Kingdom

As a part of the nostalgic memories of many people's lives, Super Mario Bros. is rarely looked at with a critical eye. The problem is, upon closer inspection, much of the game just does not add up. How did all these worlds get here? Who is Mario and what are his goals? There are a great deal of unanswered questions that Mario historians have not been able to answer. These historians have rejected the facts right in front of them because they are unable to accept these facts without compromising their established world view. I believe that many of the mysteries of Mario's worlds can be explained by the intervention of aliens in the past.

At the start of the game it should be immediately obvious that this world that Mario is in is not natural. There is no grass, dirt, or any natural environments whatsoever, and the ground that Mario stands on is actually made up of perfectly cut and repeated stones that make up the majority of the land in the game. From this it becomes obvious that the world Mario is on is not necessarily a world, but a gigantic megalithic structure made of stone. The “bottomless pits” that he can fall into are not bottomless, but simply holes in the structure that lead Mario to a drop thousands of miles to the natural world below.

This begs the question: where did this megalithic structure come from? Mainstream archeologist suggest that that Bowser stole a previously built kingdom from the Toads, or that Bowser's minions crafted his kingdom for him. Neither of these threories make much sense because it is a well known fact that the small, mushroom-based Toads are utterly incapable of hard labor and have never been known to do anything of value for society. The idea that Bowser's minions created these large and complicated worlds is equally preposterous. Even Bowser's master masons, the Hammer Brothers, are nowhere near up to the task to create the castles found in the game, let alone the gigantic structure that they were built on.

The only tools at the Hammer Brothers' disposal are hammers, and they have never shown the ability to actually use them as tools as they just hurl them at Bowser's foes. There is no way they could have used hammers to create the perfectly chiseled and interlocking blocks that create these worlds. So, the question is, who did? Ancient alien theorists believe that these structures were built be beings with technology thousands of years more advanced than that available to the people in the Mushroom Kingdom, and the only possible place these beings could have come from is outer space.

Of course, the impossibility of the structure of these worlds is not the only clue left by these ancient people. There are a great deal of secrets in the Mushroom Kingdom, the most legendary of which are sacred lands known as warp zones. These zones are said to contain mystical powers capable of teleporting a person from one world to another, a power that even modern science has been able to replicate. There are even reports of coins and plants being hidden within the large, solid stone blocks that are found throughout the kingdom, and many of these objects are found to be levitating in the air, with no known support or propulsion system.

None of this, however, answers the most important question, who is Mario, and what is he doing in the Mushroom Kingdom. Modern historians agree that Mario is a foreigner that came to the Mushroom Kingdom to rescue Princess Toadstool from the grips of the mad dictator King Koopa, also known as Bowser. Ancient astronaut theorists do not doubt the basic facts of these claims, but they believe there is much more to the story. They believe that the most rational explanation of Mario's sudden appearance and his goals is that he himself is an extraterrestrial.

One of the most agreed upon facts about Mario is that he is a plumber, but few seem to realize that is a profession that did not exist in the Mushroom Kingdom prior to his arrival. Sure, there were a great deal of pipes around, but nobody was cleaning them and they were full of Piranha Plants. It stands to reason that these pipes were also built by the ancient extraterrestrials along with the megalithic structures that make up the worlds. Does it not stand to reason that the only man who understood these pipes is a man from the society that built them?

Ancient astronaut theorists believe that the reason Mario is able to perform so many amazing feats is due to his extraterrestrial heritage. He is able to jump high into the air, even when crouching or facing he opposite direction. He is able to consume mushrooms and Fire Flowers to gain the amazing abilities to grow and shoot fire from his body. This is all part of his alien physiology, but the most amazing Mario possesses is his frequent returns after he is seen to have died. It seems these extraterrestrials have resurrection technology, not unlike that of the Cylons in Battlestar Galactica.

So, Mario was sent to the Mushroom Kingdom by the extraterrestrials that built it in order to save Princess Toadstool, but why? This becomes obvious when considering the origins of the princess herself. She is physically unlike any other Toadstool, and that is because she is “star child,” a product of the union between an extraterrestrial and a Toadstool as part of a genetic experiment (the same one that accidentally created Daisy, the intellectually stunted princess with a third eye on the wrong side of her head) to acclimate the extraterrestrials to the environments of the Mushroom Kingdom. This is why she was taken by Bowser, who wanted to use her to create offspring capable of ruling in a world inhabited by Toadstools, Koopas, and extraterrestrials. Of course, if the extraterrestrials had wanted their genetics merged with that of the Koopas they would have would have done their experiments on them to begin with, so they sent Mario to deal with the situation.

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