Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Dear Natalya: Nobody Likes You

Seriously, nobody at all. You are not just an encumbrance, you are a hindrance to fun. Obviously, you were a pain in GoldenEye 007 for N64, but you really didn't add much to the movie either. I mean, the movie had so many characters with Trevelyan, Boris, and Xenia, so what did you really add to it? You're just some boring Russian girl, and you weren't actually Russian because you were played by a Polish woman. You're a Bond girl, but you aren't that hot. You are like a frumpier Scully from the X-Files. Maybe you were a good role model to geeky girls that are into computers, which is rare for a Bond film, but you were probably also a role model to bitchy women.

My chief complaint to you is that you apparently love jumping in the way of bullets. Sure, escort missions always suck, but the fact that the best way to complete the bunker level is to keep you locked in your cell until after every other living thing within the complex is dead is pretty damning. The Klobb is the worst SMG in FPS history, and it takes upwards of forty bullets from one to bring down an average Russian soldier, but for some reason one or two stray shots will take you out and leave me with a failed objective. This wouldn't be such a big deal if your pathfinding AI weren't simply: while Bond is aiming a gun, flail wildly in front of him.

This is seriously the most attractive picture Wikipedia could find?  
Believe it or not, the best way to escape from a heavily armed military installation is not to dance around in front of cameras and gun turrets. I wonder how many people got to the end of the train level and watched with joy as Ouromov shot you in the back. And what reward did I get for not letting him kill you? I got to hear you whine while I'm busy laser cutting a whole in the floor to save our lives. So what if Bond got to bed you in the movie. Don't you think he'd have much preferred getting with the insane Xenia, and then he could say he banged Jean Grey with a Russian accent. Hell, he'd probably be happier having sex with the characters played by Alan Cumming or Sean Bean.

Or have I won already?
So, yeah, Natalya, nobody likes you. You weren't too bad in the movie, but you were insufferable in the game. The levels that were the least amount of fun in the game were because of you. Perfect Dark is a superior game because Joanna never had to put up with your shit, and frankly, she would have just knocked you out or let you get eaten by aliens like she seems to do. I'd like to tell you to go away forever, but thankfully you've already done that. America doesn't need any sort of attractive Polish actresses, and there isn't any use for used Bond girls. I'd like to say I'm over hating your, but clearly that isn't true. Maybe one day I'll play the Wii version of GoldenEye 007 and my opinion of you will change, and lucky for you, it really can't go anywhere but up.

1 comment: